(14 minute read)
I am alive and well. Even though colds, stomach bugs and COVID are jumping from house to house, I can assure my readers that my absence from the grizzlybearma blog has nothing to do with illness. Knock on wood.
It has been more than a few weeks since my last post. Christmas has come and gone (it was wonderful by the way), and the calendar has turned to 2024 (happy new year to you). 2024 is still a crazy number to me. Back in high school, I pictured the year 2024 as a science fiction space traveling robot universe. In some ways we are not that far off. Music (previously from a boombox) and pictures (which required a two day turnaround to develop) are now instantly available on our phones. The telephone is no longer the clunky receiver connected to a tightly coiled cord to the base which was connected to the wall. A cellphone is no bigger than a deck of cards (remember that old fashioned game that could be played anywhere without a need to recharge). Calls can be made hands free from inside your house, or your car, and even while walking your dog. Despite that progress of freeing ourselves from the six feet stretch from the wall outlet, we are actually more connected than ever.
But lately I have been disconnected, from my blog, and the internet (aside from putting goat videos on TikTok). “What’s up with that, Carolyn?” I hope you are wondering. I have been under a warm faux fur blanket my son gave to me for Christmas with my notebook and rollerball ink pen writing like a mad woman.
Back in November I signed up for NaNoWriMo. You may be thinking it is a new form dance class like Zoomba, which I found to be a lot easier than step classes that required memorizing complicated sequences of moves. I never made cheerleader for a reason. NaNoWriMo stands for “National November Writing Month.” It is a month-long challenge where writers focus on quantity over quality, attempting to reach 50,000 words by month’s end. Roughly 1500 words a day (or more). Given that I tend to be longwinded, or to put it more eloquently, “I am still working on the economy of words,” this seemed like it would be easy. Not. (That’s a nice short sentence).
If you remember, the beginning of November was right in the middle of my 21 day traveling vacation (aka a break from the farm). It was much harder than I thought to separate myself and bang away 1500 words on my iPad. I brought a notebook and some pens thinking the scrawling could reach my daily goal faster. It didn’t. I learned somethings about myself.
First, my handwriting and the content of my writing, is pretty bad after drinking margaritas all day on the beach. Rereading my stuff from those nights inside the Punta Mita casita made me laugh, almost as much as all the shenanigans I was having with my girlfriends. Even so, my sentences did not add up to anything worth saving, and barely reached the 1500 word count. I kept telling myself that it was about quantity not quality. I was strengthening muscles and working on my cardio (in bed with a buzz). I decided I would make up the time when we were back in the states.
Second lesson that I learned during NaNoWriMo? Writing is a solitary activity, so when you are visiting with people who you do not get to see often then writing is not so fun. I love to write, and I love to corner myself into a spot alone to think, write and read. Visiting my parents in California or hanging with old friends is not the ideal time to write. I put away my iPad and notebook and sat with my mom over coffee. Best decision ever. (Another good short sentence.)
The third lesson is that writing is not so fun when it feels like an assignment. School was not easy for me, I was a big procrastinator and ended up burning the midnight oil cranking out papers right before the due date. My mom reminds me of the night I sat at the dining room table crying over the report on Leif Erikson in the sixth grade. A blister on the inside of my ring finger on the pad formed from gripping my pencil for several hours straight. I cannot remember much about that Norse explorer (I even had to google that), but I do remember the tears and my stomach ache from the stress of so much due with so little done. “It would never happen again,” I told myself. It did. (look at that, another short phrase and with a subject and a verb!)
I realize that writing will come with deadlines, especially if I am lucky (or talented) enough to get to that point. But for where I am now, my motivation to write is much stronger when the gate is wide open. In fact it is precisely that message I tell myself when I feel writers block or self doubt or when I abandon a project I have spent a long time working on. I say to myself, “No deadline.” For those of you ambitious goal-setting people this may seem reckless and aimless. It works for me.
Over the last year or so I have been like a dog circling the floor finding just the right spot to lie down. Koda and Summer do this on top of our sofa, spilling the throw pillows off kilter. I bounced from one project to another, one genre to another: children’s book, historical fiction, memoir, contemporary rom com and even sci fi. I let myself travel down these paths, building characters and plotting story arcs. “Write what you like to read,” is what I was told. So I read books in all of those genres. I spoke with other writers in zoom chat groups. I listened to a fantastic podcast called The Writer’s Routine. I bounced book ideas off of anyone I felt brave enough to spill the weird thoughts ruminating in my head.
And then one day…it happened. Something landed for me. I took out a black and white composition notebook and a pen and started to write. The letters formed words, the words into sentences, scribbled in a hybrid of print and cursive, my thoughts began to take shape. It was not November with the NaNoWriMo; nothing against that because many writers love the team goal of that challenge with inspiring words from others. (Uh oh, back to a long sentence again). It was actually right in the middle of the busy holidays when I was struck with writer’s “energy” or whatever is the opposite of writers block.
There were still people in my house, some on vacation who were wanting to play games with me or watch some football. I tried to sneak in my ideas onto my cellphone or iPad. But back to Lesson number two about spending time with the people you do not see often, I put my project aside because I knew I could really dive back into it when the holidays were over.
So here I sit in my office with notebooks, colored sticky notes and index cards, various books on the craft of writing (Save the Cat is a good one) spread around the room on the floor and on the walls, and two dogs napping at my feet. I am writing, and loving it so much. The other day I was telling someone that writing the first draft of a book feels like you are reading a novel you just cannot put down or binge watching a series that makes you put off all household chores.
When I do emerge from the depths of my writing cave, to get water or food, or go to the barn (yes the 13 chickens, 2 horses, and 7 goats are doing great), I stretch and check the clock. It is unreal how fast time goes by when your mind is in another place and time. I must looked dazed and confused as I adjust to the present moment. The funny thing about writing is that when I step away is when even more ideas for conversations or chain of events takes place. I could be mucking the stalls and suddenly it dawns on me to change the point of view from third person omniscient to first person. The importance of getting up and moving during the writing hours cannot be understated. My back and my dogs can attest to that.
If it is not evident, I am having a ball. The first draft is a ride with twists and turns and loads of cotton candy and kettle corn (not literally, unless perhaps I have my characters go to the fair, now that is an idea). I realize a lot of what I am writing will be cut during the editing process. So months (hopefully not years) from now when I am reading my manuscript for the fourth time and am growing weary please remind me of how excited I seem right now.
As for my grizzlybearma blog, I am afraid to say that it will continue to be sporadic. The big thing about writing is getting in a flow state. It is an awesome feeling. However, breaking from it to write my blog is tough. Just this piece today took me a few hours, time when I could have been writing the “catalyst” in Act 1 (see Save the Cat to understand that reference).
To my faithful blog followers, however many of you who are still hanging in there, you mean a lot to me. Your support is what bolstered my confidence to stretch out of my comfort zone and commit to writing a book. Thank you! I will keep you all posted and might even drop some excerpts here on the blog. But do not rush me because as I said, “No deadline.”
Yet.
Maybe some day .
My writing assistants, Koda and Summer (hoping for a walk)
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