Deer in the Headlights

My moment on stage doing stand up comedy felt just like the saying, “Deer in the headlights.” I was, in fact, scared like a deer with a big spotlight on my face. My whole routine was about fear and facing it when a real live three hundred plus pound bear came crawling up the carpeted stairs inside of our house. For the record, I failed the fight or flight test. My brave husband stood tall and ominous, scaring off the hairy beast. You know the story, as I have written about it twice now. It is one of those stories that I will be telling my grandchildren repeatedly, or anyone else who still wants to listen. I earned it. I survived to tell the tale. 

I also survived the three minute stand up comedy routine. As promised, there will be a link at the bottom of this blog post for you to watch it. I have only been able to watch it one time. It is too painful. Worse than hearing the sound of your own voice, seeing yourself acting like a zombie on stage in front of a live audience is pretty uncomfortable. Right up there with the sound of scrubbing a stain out of a carpet. It does something to me I cannot explain. There goes my future acting career or my appearances on Oprah or Hoda and Jenna.

Deer in the headlights is not actually what I want to write about today. On my walk listening to a new favorite podcast, “Julia Gets Wise”, it hit me. Not the car, the idea. I live way out in the country, which I love so much these days for so many reasons. But one thing that is hard is driving at night on the narrow windy country roads.I will not let that stop me from dinner dates and playing Mahjong with friends in “the city.” I simply have to drive slow, be cautious and on the lookout for deer. 

In the episode I had playing in my earbuds on my walk was an interview with one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott. First you have Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who does not love her? And then her guest Anne Lamot? A wonderful combination. The podcast show “Julia Gets Wise”  is focused on talking with older women and tapping into their wisdom. Julia is funny and thoughtful, a great writer, actress and interviewer. Check it out.

This particular conversation with Anne Lamott resonated with me. I love her books. My mom gave me “Bird by Bird” years ago when I was starting to write. Funnily enough, Annie Lamott said that she came up with the title of that book because of something her father had said. Her brother had been struggling over a lengthy assignment in school where he was supposed to write about multiple birds. So his wise fatherly advice was, just write about one bird. Then write about another. One at a time, and take it bird by bird. It brought to mind the night I cried in sixth grade over my Lief Erikson report that I had procrastinated about starting until the night before it was due. My mom sat by my side, patiently helping me word by word. Neither one of us will ever forget that viking.

Today so much of what Annie Lamott said touched points that I could write about. The one that seemed most fitting was what she said about writing and life. It went something like this. When we drive at night with our headlights on we can only see what is right in front of us, and still we are getting to where we are going. The path in front of us may be long but our car lights illuminate only a small part of what lies ahead. And if you are driving in the back country roads you are surrounded by darkness and have to focus even more on the lit up road in front of you.

I have not been blogging on grizzlybearma in months. My son reminded me of that the other day (sweet kid, at least Jack is reading mom’s blog). Why have I not added any content to the blog website? My focus has been on the road right in front of me. Writing the rough draft of my novel. The other day someone asked me if it is tough for me to shut off my brain from thinking about the story and the characters. Yes! This is why Annie Lamott’s reference to driving in the dark of night resonated with me so deeply. She said she told some of her writing students it was ok, even better than ok, it was recommended to simply focus right on what is in front of you. The scene you are writing. The problem you are working through. Isn’t that the way life is? We can feel so overwhelmed or distracted. Just focus on what is out your front windshield.

I am only 58 and not nearly as wise as the older women who are guests on 63 year old Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ show. But the only thing I would add to Anne Lamott’s reference to driving at night is how important it is to take a small break. Park the car on the side of the road (safely), unroll the window and look up at the stars and the lightning bugs (lots of them out there as the humidity has crept in). Then you can resume driving and focus on what is right in front of you. 

Be careful of deer. Or if you are in the mountains, watch for bears. Have I told you the story about the bear that came into my house?