Who is in your Framily?

(6 minute read)

I was a freshman in college when I first met my framily. At the time, I had no idea how much these people would mean to me in my life. During the early months of dating the tall boy with freckles who was two years older than me, I heard about the close friends he had from his small Catholic high school in the valley. I talked about my friends from the San Francisco Bay Area, who I’d gone to school with since kindergarten. I liked that we both valued strong lifelong friendships. It made him even more attractive than his cute dimpled smile. Fraternity theme parties, Sorority formals, and dinner dates laid the foundation of our relationship. We both loved to have fun dancing, dressing up and socializing. We soon realized it was more than just a college crush; it was time to meet the hometown friends. Meeting each other’s families had already taken place at football games and parents’ weekends. 

What concerned me most was if his friends who I had heard so much about would accept me. I was two years younger, not from the valley, and there had been a previous long term girlfriend in the picture. Perhaps this last part was what worried me most. His high school sweetheart was part of their friend group. They dated through the first couple years of college and broke it off shortly before I came onto the scene. I remember on one of our first dates he was driving me in his burnt orange colored Camero. On the visor above the front passenger window there was a dried rose attached. It was a boutonniere from a prom or some special occasion. For someone to keep such a thing within eyesight every time they drive their car made me wonder if this guy had really moved on. How in love were they? Did everyone from his hometown and his family love her as well? I did not let these questions get in the way of our growing relationship at college. Our love blossomed and grew with ease. Then one day he announced that a good friend was getting married and he wanted to bring me to the wedding in his hometown.

Despite the fact that we had one year of dating under our belt and his ex-girlfriend was history, I still felt nervous. I wanted his friends to like me. At nineteen years old, twenty-one year olds seemed so much older. I remember meeting all of his friends and feeling shy and young. Luckily, I was not the only outsider. One of his close friends brought his college girlfriend from Southern California. While she was two years older, I connected with her right away as one of the newcomers to the Catholic school close friend group. At one point she even pulled me aside and said how happy she was to have me there, and that she like me “way more” than his previous girlfriend. I guess that’s all I needed to hear. I loosened up and enjoyed the wedding. We danced and talked. It was fun getting to know the friends who meant so much to my boyfriend. I guess I must have passed the test. It was the first of many social occasions we spent together. 

At the time I did not know that any of them would become framily. My experience with the concept of framily was through my parents’ friends. There were several families who were tight knit, traveling together on ski trips, staying up late on New Years Eve, or sharing Christmas Eve clam chowder together. The way I remember these close friends of my parents is that the adults and the kids shared special bonds. The parents were close, and the kids just as close. Something about the ease of familiarity made our trips together comfortable and memorable. The framilies I had growing up were a big part of different stages of my life. First communion, swim team parties, Rock Creek camping trips, Aptos beach vacations, and fun themed gatherings my parents liked to host. We had summer swim parties, hot dog parties, tennis tournaments, and tamale making parties. Up until now, I think I took for granted how special those framily times were growing up. As the child, I looked forward to seeing the kids and playing while the grownups socialized. Then as I got older I liked having life conversations with my parents’ good friends. They wanted to see me do well and enjoy life as much as any aunt or uncle would want that for their niece or nephew. That was framily before the word was ever even a part of my vocabulary. A real gift to be treasured.

Framily, according to Urban Dictionary, is “when friends become like family, they’re framily. Closer than close, they may know you better than your own family.” My sisters may challenge that, but I do believe another definition I read about framily is spot on: “Friends to whom we would actually choose to be related, because the relationship is mutually respectful, close, supporting and affectionate.”  That is how I would describe my framily. The people I met almost forty years ago at a wedding in the valley have become true framily to us and to our kids. We have been there for each other throughout the years, through the ups and downs. The tough losses we have faced as well as the most joyous celebrations of life. Weddings, babies, big birthdays, vacations, our children’s weddings. What builds framily is time, shared experiences and connection. I believe there is also some magical chemistry that is part of what keeps framily together. Many miles separate us, but that does not matter. Busy family lives can sometimes draw out the time between our gatherings, but that does not matter. Our connection remains strong, perhaps even stronger as time goes on.

This past week the framily reunion took place in the majestic Sierra Nevada Mountains next to Lake Tahoe, a place that holds many memories of our time together through the years. It used to be that we parents were the organizers of the daily activities on our trips, but times of changed. Our children are now the next generation of our framily. This past week my heart has been full as I watch all the kids catch up with each other, chatting and laughing (always my measure of a good time). Tearful goodbyes as everyone departed at different times reminded us all of how special our friendships are. How lucky we are to have had over forty years together, and I look forward to many more to come!