It is not often that I find myself immersed so deeply in something that I realize I have gone hours without thinking about my aussiedoodle puppies. Being the grizzlybearma that I am, the dogs are always at my feet or on my mind. It takes a really special outing, like where I was last night, to capture all of my attention. Yesterday I got the chance to walk in my son’s shoes. It was about as close as a mother could get to experiencing the world he lives in.

I went to football camp. You read that right. A fifty-four year old woman, who exercises moderately and plays tennis, signed up for a Division One College football camp. It is an annual event at my son’s school that drew over 200 ladies this year. I arrived and was given a black and gold game jersey (with my son’s number on it of course). Then the 6’5” wide receiver (a teammate of my son’s) applied black paint streaks under my eyes. The other women in jerseys with eye black milled around, took pictures and excitedly waited for things to begin.

From start to finish it was a special night for me. I have always been the cheering mom in the stands (and before that, the cheering girlfriend of my now husband). There is so much I have learned about the game of football in the thirty plus years it has been around me. Growing up in a house full of girls, football was just something that made my dad yell at the tv, or the social thing to do at high school. I never paid much attention to the game. Then I married a long snapper/tight end. We were living in Texas by the time our sons reached the age when football was offered (which, in Texas, happens to be kindergarten). First it was flag football then a few years later they were in pads and helmets. I rang cow bells, painted signs, wore spirit clothes, and never missed a game.

As the boys grew older their talents and dreams grew larger. Between volleyball with our daughter, band for our other son, and then football for the two younger boys, our time was stretched thin on weeknights and weekends. People who’d passed through this stage of life warned me this time would fly by and to enjoy it while we were in it. They were right! Involvement in sports, music performance and scouts can have a forward momentum that sometimes pushes you too fast too far into what is next. Making the travel team. Getting first chair or first team. Auditions. Recruiting. If there is just one piece of advice I wish I could pass on to eager mamabear parents with super star children it would be to help your child to enjoy the present, not get hung up on where people tell you your son or daughter could play some day. Keep supporting them and cheering them on, but don’t push them too hard.

I love my present role as proud mom-in-the-stands. My sons are living out their dreams of playing football in college. One is just beginning the journey as a freshman and one is a red shirt senior. Last night I had several moments when it hit me how awesome their football playing opportunity is. First it was the camaraderie I felt in the room. The women on my “team” and the men who coach my son day in and out were all together enthusiastically. The coaches worked with us on a couple plays up on a big screen with x’s o’s and arrows and other confusing letters. We each were assigned a position, I got running back. Then we walked through it a few times (just as the boys do). We were ready, break!

Next came the most exciting part. All two hundred of us bunched behind the large black iron gates. This is the same spot where every home game all the shiny gold helmets are seen before the team breaks through the gates and enters the stadium behind the mascot riding a motorcycle (and a fog machine). Without helmets or fog, we stormed through the open gates and entered the stadium. I imagined what my son must feel when the seats were full and the cheering was loud. It was thrilling even empty for me!

We went through warm ups and stations of drills. Slot, hitch, slant. I learned some new vocabulary. We hopped high knees over pads, tacked pads, and just basically tried not to get hurt. At one point I looked up in the stands where we usually sit, and I thought that about how my son can see me in this crowded stadium. Then came the “scrimmage” portion of our camp. We applied our twenty minute teaching of our offense against another group of women. It was fun! We ran several different options. Another aha moment for me was seeing eye to eye with the same defender. Blonde hair in pony tails with black under her eyes we laughed and said, “we meet again.” I imagined what it must be like to face the same guys throughout a game without the smiles I exchanged with my opponent. Our last play of the night, the QB faked handing it off to me, I ran past the defender and then she threw me a short pass, I caught it, made a move, and ran for a touchdown. That sounds way cooler than it looked! My son was there and was going crazy with excitement. That made my night.

Later in the evening, after taking some Advil and hydrating, I tearfully told my son how special this night was for me. His coaches are amazing men. Football is fun. I told him how lucky he and his brother are. They play the sport they love longer than many. I know how hard they work on the field and in the classroom and balancing it all. For the first time, I actually got a small taste of what drives the men in my life to love this sport. My dad played in college, my husband did and now two of my children do. I am happy that I got the opportunity to be more than a football mom for the night, but a football player. Koda and Summer would have barked loud seeing me run that ball into the end zone!

Sansa displays her jumping abilities in this week’s movie (with a little encouragement from Koda). Enjoy!

I’ve got the blues. There is no need to feel sorry for me because the melancholy mood that is weighing on me is actually the “post vacation blues.” It feels heavy and hollow at the same time. My big vacation is over. The bags are unpacked, the piles of laundry are done, and the house is quiet. Too quiet. Aside from the energetic hopeful-for-a-walk pups, everything is calm. Even my steps around the house are slow, with no sense of urgency. No lengthy “to-do” lists stuck to the face of my kitchen cabinet on sticky notes. No mental computation of who will sleep where and what the menu will be for the week. It’s all done. Everything that kept my motor running fast for the last few weeks and months has come and gone. It all went wonderfully: the college graduation (along with his traditional hour-long home movie I created from years of video recordings), the high school graduation (complete with the traditional K through 12 scrapbook that I always wait until a month before to start), the send-off of the college freshman (our baby), the arrival of fifteen family members from across the country (for a seven day stay altogether out at our cabin). Done.

The crazy thing about being busy like I have been this past spring is that it distracted me from the next chapter of my life creeping in. On Tuesday when our last visitors had departed, I re-entered my house and looked at the dogs, the cat and my husband. This is us. My “us” for so many years included a kid or two or three or four. Over the last ten days my “us” included my sisters, their kids, my parents in addition to our college kids and city kids. Our cabin was at full capacity, overflowing with love, noise, mess and activity. It was a wonderful “us” that we worked hard to prepare for: fixing up the cabin, shopping, cleaning, and planning. It was a full team effort before and during. The fun times exceeded all of my imagined scenarios.

As I sit with Sansa on my lap, Koda and Summer at my feet (beginning to stir with noises outside the window), I am reveling in the fullness of my heart. There are many sweet and special moments that I’d like to describe in detail, such as the interaction of my relatives, old and young, the connections made with nature out in the beautiful Virginia countryside, and the times we laughed until we cried during skit night. Quite simply, it was a week that could fill a whole book about a special family. This family is separated by miles of land and sea, for many months at a time, yet somehow finds it’s way to dissolve that distance and embrace a raw closeness. Sadly, the week ends and planes carry the people we love back to their lives that are far away and separate from each other. Tucked away in each person’s suitcase is the matching blue “Cabin Time” t-shirt we wore together. When I designed it a month ago, I imagined about ten things we would do and found clip art to symbolize those activities (swimming, fireworks, bbq, skit night, music, art, campfire, games, etc). What you will not find on the Cabin Time shirt is a symbol for the great conversations had in Adirondack chairs or the early mornings of coffee gazing at the pond together. Perhaps the appropriate symbol would be a full heart.

What I love most about writing is how the words can sometimes shift something in my mood. I started this piece feeling a little sad but after taking stock in all of the wonderful things that took place in the last month and especially in the last week, I am energized. Koda and Summer sense it and are dancing at my feet. What shall I do next? Take these cute pups on a walk of course!

It has been almost one month since I sat down to write for grizzlybearma.com. This lapse in posting was not intentional, I have been very busy (and collecting more to write about). The break has also given me a chance to pause and a take a deep breath as a writer. In June of 2018 I began this journey. My goal was to continue this blog for an entire year, writing pieces daily and creating short videos each week. For the first six or seven months I did post every single day, some days were long and reflective and others were short, fun and whimsical. As the puppies grew so did my desire to sit and write. Then after the start of 2019 I began to let a few days go by here and there without posting. Life got a little busier for me in the spring with two graduation celebrations and a family reunion to plan. My heart and brain were heavy with thoughts of reflection and our future as empty nesters. Yet I found it difficult to transfer the emotions swirling inside me down onto the keyboard.

The simple fact is: several weeks ago I reached my goal of blogging for one year. Now what? That finish line was crossed without much pomp or circumstance. No banner waiving of “I DID IT!” Just as my wordpress site appeared one day on the world wide web, it could have simply “ghosted” by going silent. Anyone who knows me well knows that is not the way I do things. When I am done I will proudly shout “Ta-dah!” Here’s the thing, I don’t really know if I want to be done or what is next. I do love writing about the puppies, the kitten and my four kids. I love to share stories and thoughts about motherhood.

While I sit in this familiar chair of indecision, I am going to take the time to post reflection pieces on the big events that took place over the last few months in our family. I will catch you up to speed on the latest and greatest of Koda, Summer and Sansa. As to the question of when the blogging will end and what is next? I cannot answer that but rest assured, when I am done you all will know it (however many of you who are still out there following me). So stay tuned, lots of good stuff coming your way!