Month: November 2022

What Would You Write To Your Younger Self? What Words of Wisdom Did You Need To Hear?

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Children, Family, TIPS1 Comment

(7 minute read)

The kitchen is clean and the driveway is empty of cars. Just the two of us sit with our Mama Bear and Papa Bear coffee mugs reading on our tablets next to the fire, doodle dogs sprawled at our feet and cats curled up in the cat tree. We are back to our quiet empty nest after a holiday week filled with spirited conversation, the sound of laughter, and lots of food and drinks. I welcomed the chaos with open arms. All four of our children at the same place at the same time is even sweeter these days because it does not happen as often. The holiday gathering takes on new meaning as the children are now adults. They host, they bring charcuterie, they stop by the wine and liquor store, they dress themselves, and best of all they hug and catch up with one another. On Thanksgiving, there were several times in the afternoon that I observed their interaction and felt a blanket of comfort and accomplishment wash over me. It took a lot of work to get here. Years in fact.

I remember the utter chaos of our early days of parenting four young children, especially around Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and summer break. Between staving off colds, keeping peace between siblings, and coordinating clean holiday outfits, my stress level was off the charts. It did not help that we were either preparing and packing up to attend multiple celebrations, or hosting the whole feast ourselves. Those days my husband and I were outnumbered by our needy kids and overburdened with tasks we insisted on continuing. The consequences were arguments and holiday over-stimulation. Amidst all of the craziness, we found a way to create happy memories. The annual front yard Christmas card photo session and producing a magical Christmas morning were two tasks that heightened my stress level. My everyday life staying home with four children under the age of eight could also drive me mad at times. There are things I wish I knew then that I know now.

Recently, I came across a book in my research that stopped me in my tracks. It proposed the idea of communicating with one’s younger self. Think of a time when you were struggling or at a crossroad, or maybe in a cyclical pattern keeping you in a vortex. What message did you need to hear then from the person you are today? Are there words of wisdom that you learned over the years that could save your younger you prolonged trouble? The author took this proposition to a wide variety of famous women: authors, politicians, actresses, musicians, activists, CEOs, philanthropists, and royalty. It was fascinating to read how these highly successful women could think back to a painful or stressful time in their lives, long before they became famous for their accomplishments, and what words they chose to write. The book is called “What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self.” I decided to write my younger frazzled self a letter.

Dear Carolyn,

I am writing you this letter twenty-three years from now (1999). I hope you have time to read it. You have your hands full. You have a one month old baby who is not yet sleeping through the night, a headstrong two and a half year old, a kindergartner and a second-grader. Let me assure you that you are not crazy for having one child after another, moving across the country from family and staying home full time. You are much more adept than you give yourself credit. You can do this.

I know you long for time for yourself. Getting out of the house with all four kids is no easy task. Shoes on, coats, car seats, backpacks, diaper bags, stroller, and you’re finally out of the driveway. The other day you had the two older kids at school; so with half the load (the baby in a stroller and the toddler holding your hand) you decided to go into a coffee shop. You passed by the older lady who was drinking an open mug of steaming hot coffee, sitting there calmly solving a jigsaw puzzle by a sunny window. You wanted to be her. The baby fussed, the toddler grabbed at the expensive cookies on display, so you changed course (no latte for you) and rushed back out to the car and home. You could not shake the old peaceful puzzle solver from your mind. You wanted to be her.


Listen up! That time will come and you will miss these days. Actually the calm quiet house is not so bad, but you have quite a few years before you will be alone solving puzzles in sunny windows. So here is a bit of advice to make these tumultuous years smoother:

First, keep on enjoying the unscheduled idle times with your kids. Build Lego’s with them, watch them use their imagination in playing together, and do not miss out on being present. Also, set up the video camera in the corner on a tripod and hit record. The footage will be priceless.

Second, things will happen: you will lose your car keys, milk will spill, diapers will leak, and kids will need stitches. Try not to collapse in tears or raise your voice, it can unnerve kids to see Mommy lose it. Breathe and count to ten (you get really good at this).

Third, pay attention to your husband. This cannot be said enough. These busy parenting years can cause a couple to drift apart. With so many demands on both of you, it can be hard to prioritize each other. Find ways. Keep in mind that you are role models of marriage for your children. It might be hard for you to imagine today, but years from now when you two are empty-nesters you will be more in sync than you have been in a long time.

Fourth, and not coincidentally last, is to take care of yourself. You! Mindfulness and gratitude will be buzzwords in the new millennium (thanks to Oprah and the Calm app). Quite simply, I mean for you to give yourself grace, do not be too hard on yourself, while also taking care of yourself. Exercise, healthy eating, time outdoors and nurturing friendships will all strengthen you and restore your balance. Oh, and wear sunscreen!

Carolyn, I know this letter is being read in a messy house house strewn with toys, heaps of clean laundry to be folded, cookie tins in the sink, a diaper that needs changing, and a Disney movie in the VCR that’s about to end. Your life is busy. But be assured that the work you are putting in now will pay off. One day, years from now, you will find yourself in the kitchen (on a farm where you and your husband are empty-nesters). Your adult children will be debating and laughing as they wash the dinner dishes. You will soak up the moment. Your family time will be fleeting as they each depart for their independent lives. The house will be quiet enough for reading, writing and puzzle solving. You will miss them, their noise, and the chaos of a crowded room.

Hang in there! The days are long but the years are short!
Love,
Carolyn (of November 2022)

Oops…CORRECTION! (and Happy Thanksgiving)

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Family2 Comments

My game playing family has brought to my attention a couple corrections to the games I described this week on my blog. The first one is an important progression of the FISH BOWL game. My son, who loves the game, explained to me that the three stages of the game are: Description of the word without using the word (more like Catch Phrase than Taboo), Then it is Charades for the second round, and finally Password for the third round. All three rounds using the same words from the fish bowl. Have fun! Sorry for the goof!

The second correction came from my mom. It was “GC…general cleaning” not “general vacuuming. I love that she shared this with me. This was from the game Scattergories, a family favorite. Better GC before family arrives!

In the near future my other son and I will be launching a game called something like “So Close” or “You Almost Had It.” This will be popular with all the moms, dads, sons and daughters that talk pop culture and the parent names a celebrity or movie title getting part of the name wrong, by just a bit. Example: Adam Sandberg, Andy Sandler…So Close Mom!

Happy Thanksgiving! Eat turkey and play games!

Photo by ASHISH SHARMA on Pexels.com

Timer set, Name Your All-time Favorite Family Games, READY, GO!

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Children, Family, TIPS1 Comment

(Quickly)…SORRY!…Spoons…Scattergories…Pictionary…Apples to Apples…Fitz It…Balderdash…Chase the Ace…QUIPLASH…Fish Bowl…STOP! Times up! (Word of caution: this was the fastest part of this post, so skim through to a game you want to read more about OR put your feet up, relax and read the whole 16 minute post).

Our family loves playing games. Everything from intense one-on-one chess matches to lively guess-shouting charades, the competitive and creative blood runs deep. I grew up in a game playing family. During visits with relatives “The Minister’ Cat” was our favorite. I never questioned the oddity of the name until now. After the big holiday meal we sat around the living room patting our lap and snapping our fingers in a rhythm (pat, pat, snap, snap, pat, pat, snap, snap). My aunt started with, “The Minister’s Cat is an ACTIVE cat.” Pat, pat, snap, snap; then my grandma would say, “The Mister’s Cat is a BORING cat.” Pat, pat, snap, snap; next person, “The Minister’s Cat is a CRAZY cat.” This was the most fun a child could have with grown ups at grandma’s house. It was either The Minister’s Cat or my sisters and I would be performing “The Bubblegum Skit”or chalk-drawn hopscotch in the garage. Fast forward to today, the skits, charades, and a whole host of other games are played when we all get together.

With the holidays approaching, kids returning from college, and relatives gathering, I thought this would be the perfect time to share our favorite games. Some require nothing more than pencils and scratch paper or a deck of cards, others can be found online for not too hefty of a price (since they came out years ago). Every Christmas I give each of my kids a new game, trying to stay current with pop culture (What Do You Meme) and the latest trending version of classic games (Hogwartzopoly), continuing to build on our game collection. Some of those still remain in their plastic wrapping because we often choose our all-time favorite, worn-on-the-cardboard-corners games. I love when I open one of those and find slips of paper from previously played occasions where we were crying laughing. So before you head out to the stores or go online to shop for the latest jazziest titled game, I suggest you give these a gander. If your family is anything like mine they may already be some of your favorites. If not, give them a try.

My criteria is simple:
-super competitive but not so much that it causes arguments (or tears)
-we laugh a lot throughout the game (and even years later when I come across the answers)
-no awkwardness in mixed company (ages, political views, etc)
-if something has way too many instructions or multiple options for each turn, we pass (or create or own version using the question cards)

Without further ado, here are THE TOP TEN FAVORITE GAMES OF THE GRIZZLYBEAR FAMILY:

NUMBER 10: “SORRY! The Classic Game of Sweet Revenge”
I chose to start with this game because it is the one that laid the foundation of good sportsmanship. When our young children played Candyland and Chutes & Ladders, I realized the movement around the board was luck of the draw with no decisions impacting other players (no strategy). SORRY! Involved pulling a card, choosing spaces to move, and if the opportunity presented itself, sending another player’s token all the way back to start. The object is to get all your colored tokens home first. With my kids there was one big rule, “No crying. If anyone starts crying we will stop immediately and put the game away.” This was my effort to thicken their skin when their sister or brother sent their token back to start and laughed in sing-song way, “SORRY!” They soon learned what came around went around (the classic game of sweet revenge). I did have to close up the box a time or two when emotions flared.

NUMBER 9: “SPOONS”
I grew up playing SPOONS all of the time. Don’t let the plain name fool you, this is a fast-paced, intensity-building, physical game. A deck of playing cards and spoons from the kitchen were all that was needed. There should be one less spoon than the number of players. Sitting on the floor, or at a table, in a circle, fan the spoons evenly in the center. Nobody should have a closer reach than anyone else. Think of this like musical chairs, but instead of chairs it’s spoons; and instead of music it is a card game that is being played until the first spoon is grabbed. One player is the dealer of each round, and deals four cards to everyone, including himself. The main object is to get four of a kind. Dealer starts by picking up a card from the deck looking at it and either decides to keep it and exchange it for a different card to put face down for the person on his left, or he can opt to pass it along to the left. This silent picking up-looking-putting down a card process is continuing clockwise. Players must always have only 4 cards in their hand. When a player gets 4 of a kind, he quickly subtly sneaks his hand forward and takes the first spoon. The moment one spoon is nabbed then anyone can go for a spoon (without having four of the same cards). So it turns into a spoon fetching frenzy, leaving one person spoon-less. There is nothing like being focused on your own cards and almost having 4 of the same, only to look up and see the empty space where all the spoons are already taken. For that round the loser gets and “S” and you collect all the cards, shuffle the deck and the next dealer starts the whole new round. Each round the loser gets a letter, “S-P-O-O-N-S” and you lose! My sisters used to make the loser eat some unappetizing combination of food on a spoon. Or we would put the loser through the spanking machine (all players stand legs apart and the loser crawls through getting lightly spanked and giggling the whole time). SPOONS is fun at any age! Stay alert and be quick!

NUMBER 8: SCATTERGORIES. (Just celebrated its 30th anniversary)
This is not too complex but does require concentration in a timely manner. Being able to read and spell is a must. Each player has a different pad with categories listed with a space next to each (i.e. animals, cities, tools). A special die is rolled that has different letters on each side. The timer is set. Whatever letter is facing up is what every word you come up with in each category must start with. (ie. If the letter S, you could write: skunk, Sarasota, saw). This is not as easy as it appears, especially in the short amount of time you have. After the time ends. You go through each of the categories sharing aloud your answers (or lack there of). If another player wrote the same word as you, then your answers cancel each other out. If the whole group “approves” your answer then you earn a point. Tally up your points at the end of that round, and the next round is a different paper with new categories and a new letter rolled. Back to the group “approval” I mentioned; sometimes players try to pass off a word that is a stretch for a category. I think of this every time I clean the house. The category was “chores” and the letter “G” was rolled. My answer was “General Vacuuming” (you know, the kind you do lightly around the house without moving furniture). Unfortunately my answer was not approved, but I still like to tell my mom on the phone that I need to get off to go do some general vacuuming.

NUMBER 7: PICTIONARY
A game that does not need much explanation, you draw pictures to provide clues for your team to guess the correct answer. This lands on my favorite list because we have some very talented artists in the family (and some not so artistic doodlers). Side note: we came across a different incarnation of this game called “Telestrations.” Think of the secret-whispered-in-the-ear game of Telephone, with drawings instead of whispered words. You end up with some pictures that differ greatly from the original word.

NUMBER 6: APPLES TO APPLES
My kids love this popular game. I believe they like the part of the game where they are convincing others that their “green apple” adjective best pairs with the “red apple” noun card. In our house it can get a little loud. Many variations of this game are out there. There is a children’s version and an adult version (and other similar adult versions that shall remain unnamed due to their offensive nature). The original Apples to Apples never gets old.

NUMBER 5: FITZ IT
This game is one of those spin offs, where convincing the other players of your answers is part of the game. It is like dominoes, but instead of dots it’s words. All the word cards lined up must combine to describe a certain word (they must “fit” together and within the growing crossword/domino like grid). Given the random words you are dealt, this is no easy task. You need to stretch your imagination and be skilled at selling it to your opponents. I highly recommend Fitz It, inexpensive and fun with clever creative players.

NUMBER 4: BALDERDASH
The enjoyment of this game is highly dependent on the creativity of the people playing it. Fake definitions, fictional movie summaries, and made up song titles are just some of the inventive tasks involved in Balderdash. It is one of my absolute favorites to play with my adult kids. They bring to the table years of homework looking up definitions, so they are talented at mimicking definitions for obscure words. Some clever game designer took the old game of “Dictionary” and renamed it, boxed it up and this is Balderdash.

NUMBER 3: CHASE THE ACE
First rule of Chase the Ace, NO CRYING! My kids learned this game from their Grandpa. All you need is a deck of cards and dollar bills. Each player starts with a smooth flat dollar bill in front of them. A dealer passes out one card to each player. The Ace is the worst card (thus the name chase the ace), and the second worst card is the Queen. The King is a wild card and you instantly win out of the round, which keeps you safe. The object of each round is to not hold the highest card at the end of the go-around. The player to the left of the dealer starts by either staying with the card in his hand or passing his card to the left to trade for that person’s card. If his card is low he should keep it, if it’s an ace he definitely needs to get rid of it. The next person makes the same kind of decision and keeps or swaps with the player on his left. It goes all the way around until the dealer, who can swap with a card from the top of the deck. All players show their cards at this point. Whoever has the highest card is the one who loses the round and must fold one corner of his dollar bill. If a person loses with an Ace then they must fold two corners. The cards are collected, and new dealer deals for the next round. Whenever a player has all four corners folded they lose and are eliminated, their dollar goes into the pot. By process of elimination the pot will grow larger with bills as the number of players decreases. The last one standing wins the pot of bills! You would think we were playing for a lot more money than 7 dollars, but as this game goes on the thrill builds and the hunger for the money pot is palpable! But no crying.

NUMBER 2: QUIPLASH
I am not technologically strong, nor do I like the idea of cellphones being out when our family is together, but the exception is this game. I will not attempt to explain how this is played. Ask your tech savvy kids. It involves the Playstation and Jackbox games. Your cellphone merely acts as a controller where you enter your answers. The television hooked up to the playstation with Quiplash acting as the game show host. There are a variety of games. Again this is one of those that is much more enjoyable with clever answers. As I said, I would not normally include a family game that involves cellphones, a television or a playstation box, but this is really fun!

NUMBER 1: FISHBOWL
With all of the game playing my family has done over the years, I am always looking for new games (and buying them as Christmas presents). Last year I was introduced to FishBowl by some friends on a trip; I am still laughing recalling the game. It is one of those that gets more fun as the game goes on, in three stages: first like the game Taboo, then like Password, and finally like Charades. The random words used over and over again are written by all of the players and placed into the “fishbowl”. There are two teams, whose object is to have their team guess correctly as many as possible before time is up (one minute). Remembering the words from previous rounds is as important as deciphering the team member’s silent charade. This is also a case where the creatively thought out words make the game more fun to play.

Honorable Mention:
MTV Throwback Music Party Game (my sister and I loved playing this over zoom last Christmas, because what’s not to love about 80,s and 90’s music?!).
Who’s The Dude (basically a charades game that comes with a blow up doll so all the charades are acted out with the inflatable “dude”, quite silly, fun and potentially inappropriate).

WHAT IS YOUR FAMILY’S FAVORITE GAME? Share it with us in the comments! You got to the end of this long post, you win!

What Weight is On Your Mama Bear Heart This Morning?

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Children, Deep Thoughts, Family1 Comment

(9 minute read)

I am late getting my post out on this Monday morning for two reasons. The first is that I woke to tragic news that weighs heavily on my heart. Not far from here is a college campus with students sheltering in place because a shooter is somewhere on the grounds. There are parents of at least three children who will learn devastating news about their child. Every other parent with a son or daughter who texted with them throughout the night is saddled with concerns, questions, and relief. I have a son at a college in North Carolina. I would think that a difficult part of this would be hearing the fear and emotions of my child over the phone and not being able to zip over to his campus and get him out of there. Isn’t that what we did when they were little and the school nurse called us? Because until they left for college most often our children were within the bubble of our mother bear protective sphere. Most often. Then something tragic that nobody could have ever predicted takes place…a school shooting. We have seen this at elementary schools, high schools, and colleges. Unimaginable for a parent. So before I move on to the second reason for my late post, I send condolences to all those grieving parents of school shootings, most especially to the ones who woke up this morning to this horrific news.

A mother’s heart is fragile and strong. Fragile, because at any given moment life can change in a small or big way. Strong, because from my experience with raising four children I have found and witnessed that we mothers are capable of weathering far more than we think we can. To handle the big things and the little things, we need to draw strength and support from our family and friends, but also rely on our natural mama bear instincts. This brings me to the next reason my post is late. Admittedly, this will not sound like a big thing (and in light of the morning news it is not big). However, anytime I receive a text or call from one of my children and they are sick, I jump into mama bear mode. “Oh sweet lamb, how can I help?” My daughter woke up with that high fever respiratory illness that is going around. As I said, this is nothing compared to the news other moms are receiving today. What it did make me notice is how quickly I can shove aside anything on my plate to deal with something for my children. I jumped into my car with a sack of crackers, soup, orange juice and fever reducing medicine, all before I even poured myself coffee. A fun game blog post I had written will be saved for another Monday. Instead, today I am choosing to share something I wrote about my mother when she would take care of me when I was sick. From my perspective, I felt loved and cared for. Who knows what she had planned for her day before I woke up ill. The piece illustrates how much much the little details stick with us through the years.

“Mommy, I don’t feel well,” I moaned. My head ached and my tummy hurt as I curled up on the sofa with my legs tucked under my long nightie. My mom placed the back of her hand on my forehead and felt for warmth. After she hustled my sisters out the door to catch the bus to school, she returned to my side with the thermometer in hand. She shook it in several downward thrusts through the air. “Open up,” she said, and reminded me not to bite the glass thermometer but to keep it underneath my tongue. It was cold and poked into the soft pocket under my tongue. I pressed my lips close together to hold it in place. The length of time lasted forever. Finally she came and sat at my side and pulled it out, tilting it to read where the red line ended. “Oh, sweet lamb, you’ve got a fever.” Then the love, attention and pampering began.

First she gave me two orange flavored chewable Josephs baby aspirin. She spread out a blanket on the sofa, with a soft cotton bed pillow for me to lay my head on (instead of the scratchy weave of the upholstered arm of the sofa). Then she lay another light blanket over me, the kind with the satin edged hem. On my forehead she placed a cool damp washcloth. The house felt so different on a school day, my three sisters not here making noise or taking my mom’s attention, just the sounds of my mom doing what she does while we are at school. I heard her talking on the phone. Then when it was quiet, I wondered, maybe she is making lists on her yellow note pads. Maybe she is cooking, or reading or sewing. She came in to get me settled, and turned on the TV across the room. We chose the channel and that’s what I watched (no remote control), and set the volume loud enough for me to hear, but not too loud to hurt my head. It was either game shows, like Let’s Make a Deal or The Price is Right, or the black and white shows. I loved those. The Andy Griffith Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, I love Lucy, and The Beverly Hillbillies. My mom came in to check on me often, with kind gentle soothing words.

Then came the soup. She laid the whole lunch out on a serving tray. A napkin, a spoon, the bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, some round salty ritz crackers, and an orange sliced into fourths. The magical healing soup: the ceramic edge of the bowl hot to the touch. Little wisps of steam rising. Thick noodles resembling spaghetti but nowhere near as strong or long. Tiny cubes of chewy chicken. I float a few crackers while waiting for the soup to cool, spooning the softened rapidly dissolving salty ritz into my mouth. Bite by bite, I blow on the spoon and then empty the noodles and chicken into my mouth. The liquid remaining in the bowl was thought to contain the most nutrient dense weapons for fighting off the infection. The bowl now cool enough to hold in my two hands, and lift up to my mouth, I tipped it until every last drop was consumed. “Good girl,” my mom says. After lunch she checked my temperature again, and gave me more baby aspirin if needed. Wanting me to nap, she turned off the television and read me a book or two. I didn’t mind the tv going off since the programing turned to boring romantic soap operas around lunch.

The day stretched out for a long time, so different that a day spent busy at school with a schedule of subjects, recess and constant interaction with other people. By evening time, I grew restless. If my sickness had not improved it was soup again and then off to bed. I remember the feeling of waking with damp sheets signaling that I’d broken my fever. The other indicator of my recovery was when my appetite returned. For some reason, it would be a cheeseburger that I would ask for when I reached that point. Not that it was a cheeseburger that I was given, but it was something more than soup. Toast, and eggs maybe. I was a pretty healthy child growing up, and did not miss many days of school. I was active and liked going to school. And yet…there was something special about staying home alone with my mom, getting her undivided attention, and love in the most nurturing way. Nobody likes to feel sick, but I was glad that my immune system let germs infect me once in awhile.

Reading this after COVID is interesting; we will never think of immunity and germs in the same way again. Something else to note is that right now both my mom and my dad are fighting bad colds. We spoke on the phone yesterday and my mom was coughing and my dad was next to her sounding stuffed up. They are all the way in California and I am here in Virginia. I wish I could bring them some Campbell’s soup on a tray. I will have to settle for sending them love through this blog post. As for my daughter, I will pop over whenever she needs me. This stuff that’s going around lingers, my son had it for over a week during Halloween. Maybe we need to mask up again in crowded places if we want to stay well.

I want to close by sending thoughts to all the mama bears out there caring for sick children, and my prayers for all the families grieving this morning.

Five Wedding Tips from This Mama Bear

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Family, TIPS2 Comments

(10 minute read)

Who am I to offer advice around weddings? I was MoB when our daughter got married in May, I am the MoG when our son gets married next October*, and we have been guests at three weddings recently. If that is not enough, I would also add that we just celebrated 34 years of marriage. For anyone planning or invited to weddings, you will find my Five Wedding Tips at the end of this blog post.

“Love is a verb.”
Kevin sat next to me in the pew as we heard that short phrase spoken. It resonated with us because we know well the action involved in loving. He squeezed my hand as we watched the young bride and groom vowed to love one another for the rest of their lives. 34 years ago at 22 years old I stood eye-to-eye with Kevin and we made the same promise. Being present at four different weddings this year, I can see a similar thread through all of the nuptials.

It starts with building the foundation of the relationship which at some point leads to a proposal. Couples these days seem to give that more time than we ever did. We got engaged the summer after I graduated from college. In these four weddings of 2022 the bride and groom dated for years and some even lived together (less common in 1988). Following the exciting proposal and celebration of such proposal is the engagement. For the wedding guest, as the aunt or friend of the bride or groom’s parents, the date is looked forward to and marked on the calendar. For the parents of the bride (or groom) it is a whole different story.

For several weeks (ok maybe it was just days) we all just basked in the glow of our daughter’s engagement. She and her fiancé were in no rush to jump into planning. Once the ball got rolling it was one decision after another, so many lovely simple or extravagant details to consider. As Mother of the Bride (of our only daughter) I treasured the journey we were on together. I say “we” because the ceremony and celebration of their nuptials was truly all about what the bride and groom wanted. They had clear visions of what was important to include in their day. We simply supported and chimed in with ideas (as the hosts of this special day). I look back to our July 16, 1988 wedding as one of the best days of our lives: so much love and fun surrounded by family and friends. That is what we wanted for our daughter and son-in-law.

It would be wrong to not fully disclose that there were stressful moments in the planning stage. Everyone deals with budget concerns, disagreements about little details, and just wedding discussion overload. In our journey we came up with the phrase, “open the box.” It referred to if it was okay to start a wedding topic of conversation; “Kevin, I know you’re watching a football game right now, can I open the box for a moment?” Or after thoroughly going over the timeline (for the umpteenth time), “Carolyn, do you think we could close the box?” I think my daughter had to close the box on me a number of times. But it was so exciting, so many ideas on Pinterest, lots of tiny decisions, and so much anticipation building up to the big day!

What hit me multiple times in that planning stage were the moments when I would see my daughter and her soon-to-be husband so lovingly consider each other’s needs and wishes. Each time I was present for one of these eye-to-eye exchanges I was more confident in how much they loved one another. At these weddings, one of the key elements of the celebrations was who was present: Family members from both sides, friends of the bride and groom and friends of the parents. I remember when we were drawing up the guest list a year ago. We had as many of our dear friends (from long ago and more recent) as our daughter and her fiancé had. We wanted to share this big milestone and special day with all of our people, or at least extend the invitation to them. Post Covid I think people missed being present (and a good party) so we received many more “yes” responses than expected, and quite a few of those would be making the trek across the country to be here. It felt amazing to have friends and family in Virginia, so far from where we started (in California). Not forgetting how meaningful it was, Kevin and I both agreed that when invited to a wedding we would make every effort to be present at their special day. Even if it included traveling to California, Texas, and Manquin, Virginia. We were showing up.

I was nervous as my daughter’s wedding day got closer. Would I be able to hold my emotions together (I cry easily)? Will the pressure of hosting such a large group of people be hard for this introvert that I am (coming off of a socially distanced couple of years)? Will my daughter have the wedding day she has dreamt about and will treasure for her lifetime (like I did)? Then there were the more pressing logistical concerns: Will everyone be able to find a seat at this “stations” wedding (that I kept insisting needed seating for all guests)? Do we have enough room on the shuttle buses to the hotels? Will it rain? If it rains, did we give enough time to Plan B?

Yes, it rained and was a chilly 45 degrees outside in May. The garden poolside wedding ceremony changed to a lovely ballroom with seating and intimate in-front-of-the-fireplace reciting of the vows. The beautiful staircase lined with flowers and candles was meant to be. Nobody knew the garden plan existed. Their day was full of amazing moments we will all treasure. One of those was later in the evening when the newlyweds made their way up the staircase and paused for a moment, they looked back down at all of their friends and family on the dance floor who loudly cheered for them. “Unforgettable,” is how my daughter described the feeling. The sparkler exit under the clear starry night at the end of the party was a perfect beginning to their married life together.

The weddings we attended recently were as special as my daughter’s, and each was different from the other. Inside a church, in front of a pond, a twelve piece band, a DJ, a string quartet, LED blinking cowboy hats as favors, Jenga pieces for the guest book, a rotary telephone to leave messages for the newlyweds, a bald eagle soaring overhead, and even a fireworks display. My niece’s reception included a dance for all married guests, which gradually eliminated couples as the DJ announced number of years married. The first to go were the newlyweds. The crowd on the dance floor dwindled down to one cute pair celebrating over 50 years together (Kevin and I were one of the final four couples as our children cheered loudly watching). I loved being a guest where I could appreciate all those decisions that were made in the planning stages. The best part of each wedding was watching the bride and groom kick off their married life: the vows, the dancing, the toasts, and the joyful celebration with family and friends. It is wonderful sending them off to start experiencing what the one preacher said “love is a verb”. So go on, love each other!

FIVE WEDDING TIPS FROM THIS MAMA BEAR:

  1. SAY YES! If you get invited to a wedding then they want you there, so reply yes and go! Showing up means a lot. While you are there have a blast, sign the guestbook, and introduce yourself to other guests. You all mean something to the bride and groom’s families.
  2. ENJOY THE JOURNEY! When your son or daughter gets engaged, celebrate the happy couple, and take the time to bask in the glow before launching into planning mode. But do not wait too long, things tend to book out far in advance (but don’t stress). When you do “open the box” be sure to close it and live your life. Enjoy the planning journey, you’ll miss it after the wedding!
  3. BE FLEXIBLE! Give as much time for Plan B as you do Plan A. No amount of money can lock Mother Nature down for your desired weather. Things will happen, so just go with it.
  4. COMMUNICATE! Speak up for what is important to you during wedding planning. Whether you are the bride, the groom or a parent of the bride or groom, make sure you share what you hope for and envision for the wedding weekend. Nobody is a mind reader and you don’t want to say, “I wish we had…” after the fact.
  5. TAKE IT ALL IN! On the wedding day (or at any of the celebrations like showers or rehearsal dinner) be present. Take it all in. Step off to the side and breathe. Doing so will help you treasure all of the precious moments you won’t want to let slip by too quickly. (Spend the money on a good videographer to record it, and book them to stay to capture until the exit). You all worked hard to make this day happen, have fun! You will be sad when it’s over, but it is just the beginning of life with your expanded family!

*This MoG cannot wait for October 2023!

Change of Seasons

On By Carolyn FreudenthalIn Deep Thoughts1 Comment

It is November here in beautiful Virginia. Halloween is behind us, along with all the tricks, treats and tomfoolery. As the calendar page turns along with the scenery, I find myself in a deeper space of reflection and observation. I reach for my warmer coat and taller boots before I head out to the chicken coop. The same route to the barn was hot and sticky just one month ago. I welcome this breath of cool air, even though I am aware that a few months from now I will be in a sock cap, thick gloves, a wool neck scarf and my warm down jacket trudging through snow. I know a thing or two about change, not just living in a part of the country where nature clearly displays such change. As the chickens cluck around the teak wood bench I am sitting on, I think of all of the different yards where this bench has sat. I am also reminded of the different emotions resting on my heart sitting on this bench over the years. Different stages and different seasons of my life. Today, I sit grateful and at peace (and a little bit sore). My Mamabear heart is not currently troubled with worry. My tank is full after a horseback riding cowgirl getaway the past few days with other Mamabears. Continuing to build on my comfort level on horses, I rode the aptly named “Casper” who was indeed friendly. Today I am mindful of how we all are in different seasons of life, and how much can change from one year to the next, or even one month to the next. Stop, breath in, breath out. If life is good at the moment, embrace it. If your heart is heavy with grief, worry, or stress, fear not: things will change.

Enjoy this beautiful fall weekend! (look for my regularly scheduled post on Monday)

Special thank you to Kelsey and Dwight at North Mountain Outfitter! northmtnoutfitter.com